I'm okay/ No I'm not

I'm okay/ No I'm not 

We all say that we want to hear the truth. That the truth will set us free, but in the harsh reality. The truth can be an ugly, terrifying monster that lurks in the darkness. Just waiting to pounce on you and unleash all the pain that feels like it's riping your beating heart from your chest and killing you, over and over. 

Let's be honest. Your loved ones don't want to hear, "No! I'm not okay." or "I don't think I take anymore!" The people in our lives can only handle hearing, "I'm good, I'm fine, I'm okay or at the very least, I'm just tired". Not cause they don't care, but more of they don't know what to do, to make it all better.

I don't know about you, but I hate crying. Why? Cause it makes me feel weak. So when I do, I usually cry when I'm alone and no one can see or hear me. That's not to say that there haven't been times someone has witnessed me breaking down into gut wrenching tears streaming down my face. However in those moments, it was more of not being able to handle the pain I'd been carrying, for soooo long, any longer. Like a dam breaking and finally crushing under the pressure.

Perhaps my fear of showing my pain is really a great fear of being misunderstood. My voice not being heard, by the ones I love. My truth getting lost in how I'm perceived. The perception of me being so strong, that nothing can destroy me vanquished by some trifling tears. That my pain will equate to having low self-esteem or self worth in their eyes. 

That fear can be so crippling, so paralyzing that we're actively choosing to bottle up those feelings, medicating, whether by a professional or by ourselves with other means. All the while, living our lives with a soul crushing battle raging on inside. We slap on the most genuine smile we can muster and lie to the world, our loved ones and ourselves with two simple words."I'm fine." When in all honesty, we're anything but. 

My Biggest Fear

My Biggest Fear

As of late I've been having a slightly recurring dream. I say slightly, because it's not always the same. It just possesses the same middle. Anyway... the part I recall is, it's my wedding day, but I have no excitement or jitters about getting ready. I'm busy doing other things like writing, exercising and catching up on my dvr. The wedding coordinator comes in my room, totally confused as to why I haven't even begun to get ready for the ceremony. She asks me if I'm going to get my dress on anytime soon. I shurg my shoulders and respond with an indifferent 'sure'. The beginning and ending is too fuzzy to remember, but that part is always the same.

I've been trying to figure out what it means. The only thing I can think of is that it must be tied to my biggest fear. Now most of you would probably venture a guess that it must mean I have a fear of commitment, but nope. For me, that's not the case. I have no problem with loving, being loyal and committing myself to the man I truly love, trust and respect. Nor do I frown upon marriage. 

I used to think that my biggest fear was growing old, alone. Though that fear hasn't driven me into a relationship that's not right for me. I'd much rather be alone, than miserable. I did some meditating and found that my biggest fear is loosing myself, again. I say again because I'm naturally a giver, the caretaker. I'm the woman who puts her loved ones wants and needs ahead of her own. However when it comes time to taking care of myself, I'm exhausted from making sure everyone else is good. 

After my break up from a long term relationship, I felt loss. I had all this romantic loving and giving energy, but no mate to bestow it upon. It took awhile to discover and ask 'Hey! What do you want?' I began to get to know and find me. Reacquainting myself with writing. Thinking of other ideas I wish to accomplish. Though a part of myself misses being in a committed relationship, the other part of me is terrified of putting myself on the back burner and loosing myself again. 

Living in the Now

Living in the Now 

It was Lao Tzu who quoted,

"If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present."

While I'm sure a great deal of us, perusing on social media has come across this quote more than once. Maybe you've even commented on it, or at the very least hit the like or +1 button to show your agreeance. I know I have. But it also led me to wonder; how many of us are living by that principle? 

Now don't get me wrong. I know it's normal and practically imperative to think of the future. Especially once you've reached a certain age. Otherwise how else would you know where you're going, or where you'd like to be in say five to ten years from now? But there are some of us, who obsess over every little detail of the immediate future. Planning practically every minute of the day. That's no way to live, cause it just equates to constantly checking things off your 'to do list'. I ask you, where's the joy in that? Then that frustration of not getting everything done on your list for that day. Putting you behind schedule. Anxiety starting to set in and dictating your mood till you get caught up.  

Then there are those who constantly live in the past. Always reliving past pain or mistakes made. Everyone has good and bad memories. While there's absolutely nothing wrong with holding on to those memories, it's anything but healthy to let them rule your life. Cherish your good memories and as for the bad... well let those be your lessons. We've all had horrible things done to us and have done things that we're not so proud of. But you have to realize, those are things that has happened or things that you've done. They're not who you are. You and you alone have the power to be who you are and live how you'd like to live. 

So don't forget who you were. Make moves to get where you'd like to be. More than anything take the time to get to know and appreciate the beauty of who you are now. Otherwise it could be a missed opportunity to meet the most extraordinary person, in your life.

YOU! 

You're Pretty... for a Dark Girl

You're Pretty... for a Dark Girl.

Throughout my life, I've received compliments from men of different races. However there is one underhanded compliment that I've received and sadly from men of my own race. 

"You're pretty... for a dark girl"

I would venture a guess from experience that majority, if not all my fellow, beautiful dark sistas have been thrown this so-called compliment. As if we should take it like it's the best affirmation of our beauty, we will ever get. News flash! It's anything, but a compliment! Why not just say "I think you're pretty" and that be the end of the statement. Adding the "for a dark girl" is a slap in the face. 

Now I know the whole team light skinned vs team dark skin has been around since... forever. Our race being divided, as if one complexion is superior over the other. I can remember riding the bus in middle school on field trips and the girls cackling about who their "famous future husband" was going to be. Around that time Al B. Sure, Babyface, Prince, L.L. Cool J, El DeBarge and Allen Payne (the light skinned brotha from New Jack City) were the top contenders. Girls screaming who their pick was. Saying his name multiple times staking their claim. Boys had their version of the same game. Picking between Vanity, Appolonia, Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson. Dark skinned women and men were left out, as if we were the sooty stains of our race. 

Red bone, caramel, chocolate, dark chocolate. We are all beautiful and we are all in the same struggle. 

I thank my parents and my family for not making my complexion an issue. Thus teaching me that my beauty doesn't solely lie in the tone of my skin. I love the skin I'm in and apparently so does the sun. The sun loves it so much that it kisses it multiple times, just enriching my tone. So why can't my beautiful brothas love it, just as unconditionally? 

A Letter From The Friendzone

Dear World,

It gets frustrating when most people think only guys get friendzoned. Guess what? Great girls, awesome wife material get friendzoned all the time. We know how it feels to be absolutely, out of our mind, loyal till death, in love with a guy. No matter how great we are, the guy seems to only see everything he ever wanted in a woman with anyone, except you. You can't understand why. You're always the one that's there for him, you two talk bout any and everything, you're the best of friends. His biggest cheerleader and see things in him that nobody else does. You can spend hours on the phone and still miss him once you hang up. Just when you think "Finally, he feels the same!" he meets someone else. Leaving you to feel like the butt of life's joke. 

No matter how smart, funny or how high your self-esteem is. Somehow he's the one you don't care how stupid you look to others on the outside looking in. Why? Cause he's the one whose had your heart from the start. You only want him to be happy, even if it's not with you. You only want the best for him. If only he'd realize that maybe, just maybe... you are the best for him. 

Yours truly,   

Another friendzoned casualty 

Why Am I Single?

Why Am I Single?

Why am I single? A question that does get thrown in my direction (thank goodness not excessively). Cause it's a question that I don't really have an answer for. Now this might sound like I'm boasting on myself, but at times there's nothing wrong with stating how awesome you are, so here it is. I'm a Damn good woman and I don't know why I'm single! Some may say that I'm too picky. They're welcome to their opinion but, I respectfully disagree. Do I have standards? Absolutely! Not materialistic standards, but intellectual and moral standards to say the least. I try not to let the question bother me. At least not often, cause I know my self worth isn't tied to any man. Buuuttttt... it would be nice to have a man that I'm head over heels for, who would love nothing more than to have me as his partner.

Unfortunately for a woman my age, having never been married and with a child; is viewed as what? Complicated! Seriously?!

So let me get this straight. An intelligent, gainfully employed, mature, no "baby daddy" drama, no daddy issues, loyal woman who can cook is complicated? Or is that a pathetically disguised "it'll be too Damn hard to run game on her" excuse?

Sometimes it feels like I'm past the expiration date on my love life. Don't get me wrong. I can still turn a head or two. I get "approached" with lines that may bring a smile to my face, yet somehow in the guys mind is supposed to magically part my thighs. I mean Damn! Does my age exclude me from gentlemanly courtship? As if I'm an old stale box of Cracker Jack with the prize long gone. 

I deserve to have a man that can look at me with forever in his eyes and with honorable intentions. A man that can remember why he loves me, when I'm behaving like a perfect storm. A man that see the beauty of my soul. Knowing my cons are far less than my pros. Without any doubts know that even when my opinion differs from his at times, my loyalty is never wavering. 

So if I'm single for knowing what I deserve and not settling for less. Single is what I will stay. 

Would You Date You?

Would You Date You?

It's funny how many dating and relationship articles and books are out there. Think about it. It's almost impossible to avoid coming across a magazine, book or social media link to an article, telling you the do's and don't's of romance. Now I know what you're thinking. "Aren't you doing the same thing?" Well... I guess I am. Oops!

But my question is. Among all the do's and don't's why haven't I seen the advice of get to know yourself, first? So many of us go from relationship to relationship with barely a break in between. Leaving bits and pieces of ourselves with the last beau. Picking away at ourselves, trying to fill a void with someone, anyone. When the void can only be filled by yourself. Take the time to rediscover yourself. Learn who you are by yourself. 

Now trust me. I know it can be scary, especially if you're used to always being in a relationship. But if you're constantly finding yourself in a string of unsuccessful relationships. Don't you think trying something different is in order? I mean Hey! Performing the same action over and over, but expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity. So how bout you regain your sanity. If you're willing to do for others, why not do something not only helpful, but healthy for yourself? 

So you're probably wondering, where do you start. For myself I started with the realization that being alone and being lonely are two very different things. There are so many things you can do by yourself, but most are terrified to try. Mainly because they're afraid how others would view them. For instance. I've gone to movies alone. Sat at a restaurant and ate dinner alone. I've even gone to a bar by myself. Not in attempt to meet anyone, but to enjoy myself. There's no rule that says you have to be coupled up to have a good time. I have to admit the first few times felt weird and I felt people were possibly judging me, but I figured to Hell with them. I'm doing this for me. Besides, if I don't like or wouldn't date myself, how could I expect anyone else to want too? If you do find yourself getting lonely. Well this is where your friends can help with that. 

Being single has given me the opportunity to find out who I am, heal and unpack some of my baggage. True, everyone will always have some baggage, but it's up to you how much you wanna carry. It's not fair to expect someone else to carry your baggage. So take some time. Cleanse your soul and find yourself, before you give the broken pieces of what's left of you to someone else.