My Biggest Fear
As of late I've been having a slightly recurring dream. I say slightly, because it's not always the same. It just possesses the same middle. Anyway... the part I recall is, it's my wedding day, but I have no excitement or jitters about getting ready. I'm busy doing other things like writing, exercising and catching up on my dvr. The wedding coordinator comes in my room, totally confused as to why I haven't even begun to get ready for the ceremony. She asks me if I'm going to get my dress on anytime soon. I shurg my shoulders and respond with an indifferent 'sure'. The beginning and ending is too fuzzy to remember, but that part is always the same.
I've been trying to figure out what it means. The only thing I can think of is that it must be tied to my biggest fear. Now most of you would probably venture a guess that it must mean I have a fear of commitment, but nope. For me, that's not the case. I have no problem with loving, being loyal and committing myself to the man I truly love, trust and respect. Nor do I frown upon marriage.
I used to think that my biggest fear was growing old, alone. Though that fear hasn't driven me into a relationship that's not right for me. I'd much rather be alone, than miserable. I did some meditating and found that my biggest fear is loosing myself, again. I say again because I'm naturally a giver, the caretaker. I'm the woman who puts her loved ones wants and needs ahead of her own. However when it comes time to taking care of myself, I'm exhausted from making sure everyone else is good.
After my break up from a long term relationship, I felt loss. I had all this romantic loving and giving energy, but no mate to bestow it upon. It took awhile to discover and ask 'Hey! What do you want?' I began to get to know and find me. Reacquainting myself with writing. Thinking of other ideas I wish to accomplish. Though a part of myself misses being in a committed relationship, the other part of me is terrified of putting myself on the back burner and loosing myself again.
