I'm okay/ No I'm not
We all say that we want to hear the truth. That the truth will set us free, but in the harsh reality. The truth can be an ugly, terrifying monster that lurks in the darkness. Just waiting to pounce on you and unleash all the pain that feels like it's riping your beating heart from your chest and killing you, over and over.
Let's be honest. Your loved ones don't want to hear, "No! I'm not okay." or "I don't think I take anymore!" The people in our lives can only handle hearing, "I'm good, I'm fine, I'm okay or at the very least, I'm just tired". Not cause they don't care, but more of they don't know what to do, to make it all better.
I don't know about you, but I hate crying. Why? Cause it makes me feel weak. So when I do, I usually cry when I'm alone and no one can see or hear me. That's not to say that there haven't been times someone has witnessed me breaking down into gut wrenching tears streaming down my face. However in those moments, it was more of not being able to handle the pain I'd been carrying, for soooo long, any longer. Like a dam breaking and finally crushing under the pressure.
Perhaps my fear of showing my pain is really a great fear of being misunderstood. My voice not being heard, by the ones I love. My truth getting lost in how I'm perceived. The perception of me being so strong, that nothing can destroy me vanquished by some trifling tears. That my pain will equate to having low self-esteem or self worth in their eyes.
I don't know about you, but I hate crying. Why? Cause it makes me feel weak. So when I do, I usually cry when I'm alone and no one can see or hear me. That's not to say that there haven't been times someone has witnessed me breaking down into gut wrenching tears streaming down my face. However in those moments, it was more of not being able to handle the pain I'd been carrying, for soooo long, any longer. Like a dam breaking and finally crushing under the pressure.
Perhaps my fear of showing my pain is really a great fear of being misunderstood. My voice not being heard, by the ones I love. My truth getting lost in how I'm perceived. The perception of me being so strong, that nothing can destroy me vanquished by some trifling tears. That my pain will equate to having low self-esteem or self worth in their eyes.
That fear can be so crippling, so paralyzing that we're actively choosing to bottle up those feelings, medicating, whether by a professional or by ourselves with other means. All the while, living our lives with a soul crushing battle raging on inside. We slap on the most genuine smile we can muster and lie to the world, our loved ones and ourselves with two simple words."I'm fine." When in all honesty, we're anything but.
